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Saturday, 25 July 2009

  • To all the fathers who lack relations with their sons.

    Dear You,
         I have no intention, whatsoever, to bash you in front of the seemingly harmless cyber-world.  You have your reasons as to why your relationship with your son is as is; has grown to be what it is, and I, in no way, have any knowledge of both you and your son's past both together and alone.
         You might be physically gone from your boy-- may it you passed away, have chosen to leave, divorced his mother, or disappeared out of the blue-- or you might be emotionally gone from him: there is no father-son relationship between you two.  I might not know why you and your son have estranged, but I would like you to know that your son.. has grown to be a strong man.
         You might not care about him anymore, much less the rest of your family.  You might have a new family to tend to somewhere else, or just a new life you never want to be interfered by your old one, or (no offense, Uncle), not a life at all.  You may or may not be wondering about the people you left behind.  You may or may not wish to meet him.  I am here, sir, to assure you that your son has grown to be, cliches aside, a fine young man.
         Through my understanding, a boy without a father stands to be either a man of his household or the baby.  The son could go one of two ways: dependent on other people and/or substances, as his family is dependent on that child support money they've been needing without you; or independent as he realizes at a young age that a person who should matter to them has left, and he himself should grow to be that person--not the person who left, but the person who matters: the person who will try to hold, if not the family together, then whatever he can.
         I'd like to say that I know your son.  If you were to meet him one day, the real him, eye-to-eye, you'd be damn proud of him.  He's become one of those independent sons: a hard worker, determined, confident.  He's a strong guy.  There's still a downside, don't get me wrong.  He's scared.  Scared to be in a relationship; scared to become the person who will leave just like his father did to him.  So he closes off sometimes: he holds back.  Sure, he aims for what he wants, but there is always that little part of him making him hesitate because he does not want to break a girl's heart as he has seen in his mother.
         I was one of those girls.  I am one of those girls.
         More than that, I am his friend.
         I have seen how you have affected your son, and those qualities I've mentioned--independent, determined, confident--are the same traits girls find him appealing.  He's survived his life, obviously, gaining these features about him from the loss of you.  It is from your absence that he was able to learn these on his own.  Granted, it would have been better had you been in his life helping him with these characteristics, but let's face it-- you weren't.
         I could only hope that one day, you will be in his life, and you will see the real him, look him eye-to-eye, and be damn proud of him, as the rest of us are.  Despite the paternal vacancy you contributed to in your son's life or how your boy may be upset finding out I am writing a letter to a man who has disappointed him, for helping your boy grow into the man he is,
         Thank you.

Thursday, 23 July 2009

  • To all the boys I ever mattered to.

    Dear You,
         God, how can I even type something so sincere as this with such music on?  Hold on, let me turn it off.  Okay, we're good.  You and I.. have known each other for quite some time and chances are, when meeting each other we had no intentions of becoming what you and I developed into.. or should I say at the least I didn't have the intention of become what I became to you.  But I did.
         I saw you as a friend, a best friend of mine.  And you probably hated it, me putting you in the 'friend zone'.  You, though you were okay with it, still had that bit of resent in you, wishing that somehow, someway, you could go back in time and change your actions so that I could see you in another light--the potential boyfriend light.  You were happy because we were friends, and you, like I did, treasured our friendship because simply put, I trusted you and you trusted me.  Trust is essential in any relationship, they say.  Because of all of this, because of all the pep talks you've had with me and all the times we've spent, I want to thank you for your friendship.  But you probably wish I didn't have so much trust in you.
         You probably wished that I didn't tell you what I did with that guy, or with the next one who broke my heart, or with the next one we found out was just dicking around with me.  You loved the fact that I could be so open and honest to you, but you know that a little piece of you wished that you were with me, because you'd never treat me the way those other boys did; you'd be a man.  You'd hope that one day I'd see more to you than your best-friendly advice, see more to you than the good laughs we had together, see more to you than the shoulder-drenched shirts you would have.  You wanted to be more than the guy who's there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on.
         You wanted to be with me.
         I never gave you that chance, though.  There were times when, maybe, I possibly considered it, but you already seemed too friendly at the point.  Should I question myself if that was a mistake?  Thinking that you were too friendly to try to 'pursue'?  I don't know, actually.  Maybe I had that ridiculous "I don't want to ruin our friendship" mentality in my head.  Hell, maybe you were, too.
         It sounds bad, doesn't it?  Not taking the risk?  Trying to preserve what we had by not moving forward?  We were both scared, we were both insecure, probably you more than me, and it's understandable.  Why would a girl who attracts so many different guys, you'd think, choose me over them?  You assumed that I wouldn't choose you, since I had plenty to choose from anyway.
         Why would a girl who attracts so many different guys who screw her over every time choose you, loyal and faithful, over them?
         That's what you should've thought.
         I'll be honest, maybe I wouldn't have taken you into my arms as soon as you admitted your fondness of me.  Maybe I wouldn't have kissed you in pure ecstasy of being lovers with my best friend, but such a confession... such a leap forward would have opened doors, not close them.  I know you all know that, that I'm the type of girl who hates seeing people take two steps back.  I wish you weren't like that.  I just wish you weren't so scared of what the truth could bring.
         However, I cannot say that I'm sorry I never became the girl you wanted, that I was always the girl friend instead of the girlfriend.  I can't apologize a lie.  I can say, though, that... seeing as you and I barely talk, are no longer friends, have drifted apart, or are not as close as before means that ...maybe we weren't meant for it.  Maybe it was best you and I were just friends.  I grew from your words, and you grew from your actions.  I took your advice, and you learned from the lack of me.  Maybe.. you and I weren't supposed to be together or you and I are barely even acquaintances anymore because we learned all we needed from each other already.
         But if we are fated together, I'm sure one day both of us will be able to muster up the courage, speak out, and say the words we truly feel.  Other than that, I really would just like to say..
         Thank you.

  • My welcoming speech to Dating-ish.

    Hey-- I'll set this straight:

         I am sixteen, turning seventeen in the fall; a sixteen-year-old senior I'll briefly be. Obvious, right? Some of you know me.  A sixteen-year-old girl on the brink of her high-school life posting pointless little blogs about her mediocre love life, but everyone has a story to be told. Everyone analyzes stories. Everyone wants to relieve themselves of the inherent curiosity humans have, especially of one of the factors that bond people together: love.  Writing about the journey to "love" is apparently the purpose of a Dating-ish site.
         You will see, however, that this will not have your typical question-at-the-end blog, nor what-my-SO-and-I-did-today blog.  You'll see letters.  And not specific ones, general ones.  I've thought about all my stories, all the guys who have popped in and out my life, and I realized, as sad as it may seem.. they have their own little categories.  They have their own groups.  There are minute yet broad commonalities from boy to boy.
         Simply put, I have analyzed my stories, and realized more than enough.  I only want to give gratitude for those who have affected my (lack of) love life. 

         So I'll set it here.

    --
    Ha, talk about a welcome post.
    I'm not fond of these layout themes, either, but I guess it's the content, not the presentation that should count.

    Anyway, we'll figure this out later.

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